Net of Ruin
by Shiroi no Kage
Summary: Wrested from normalcy and sent to the perilous world of fanfiction, Storm Shadow struggles to survive. Will he make it out alive? Or will he remain there forever? AU, S6.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: We felt the urge to write a semi-serious one. This is the prologue. Prepare yourself for anything...

* * *

"At the risk of sounding clichéd, You're not going to get away with this," I said, glaring in Black Dragon's general direction.

"Oh, I believe I am," Black Dragon smirked, "See, we've planned this one out, and I haven't told you what it is yet. So far, I'm ahead."

I resisted the urge to roll my eyes. "Oh, come off it. You'll be wrapped up in your own monologue soon enough," I snapped. Turning, to Snake Eyes, who stood beside me with folded arms, I sighed. "Don't tell me you're against me too!"

_I'm not,_ he replied, _It's just that you insist on talking with people during battle. It's so… distracting._

"That's me," I said, shrugging. "The infamous distracter ninja. I distract you, so you don't even know what hit you!"

Snake Eyes just shook his head in reply.

"Oh, just swing at me already," Black dragon snapped. "I want some fun."

"Shall I tell you about my early childhood?" I suggested sarcastically. "I joined the Army when I was sixteen, you know."

Black Dragon raised an eyebrow. "If that's _early_ childhood, you must be older than I thought."

"You joined the army when you were sixteen?" Duke piped up from behind me. "Isn't that, like, illegal?"

_He was desperate for a green card,_ Snake Eyes said.

"Well, maybe that was part of it," I admitted. "But some of it was patriotism, I'm sure. I could probably dig it up from the depths of my soul if I tried."

"But aren't you a Japanese citizen?" Duke asked.

"Only until I get my citizenship!" I replied mock-cheerfully. "I've only been waiting for like ten years."

_I think it was only eight,_ Snake Eyes said.

"Doesn't the Bible say to 'mind your own business'?" I demanded irritably.

_Well, it does say to obey the laws of the land in which you live,_ Snake Eyes said, _But not necessarily the exact wording of 'mind your own business'. I don't think they really had a phrase like that back then._

"Whatever. I don't read it anyway," I snorted, trying to look as disdainful as possible, so as to protect my pride. "I am Buddhist, after all."

_I thought you were Shinto, _Snake Eyes said. _And then last week you said you were an Atheist._

"So I like to dabble," I snapped, waving a hand in his direction. "It isn't a crime! Besides, I was mad at God because I lost the lottery."

_But the Bible says--_

"I don't _care_ what the Bible says!" I snapped. "For all you know, tomorrow I might be Muslim!"

Duke stared at me in wide-eyed shock. "Really?!" He demanded, hand edging towards his pistol.

"No, not really," I snapped. "Besides, not every Muslim is a terrorist."

"Yeah, but you _were_ a terrorist," Duke pointed out.

"A fact I'd prefer to remain buried beneath the rest of my painful past," I replied.

"Can we please get back to our duel?!" Black Dragon demanded. "I have a schedule, and this wasn't on it!"

"What, goanna go blow up the US Embassy?" I taunted.

"Eventually," Black Dragon said, shrugging modestly. Then, glancing up, he pointed behind me. "Look! I think Scarlett needs saving!"

Duke and Snake Eyes disappeared like an ice cream cone on a sunny day.

I blinked several times. "That's one of the most pathetic _and_ oldest tricks in the book."

"Hey, but it works," Black Dragon replied. "You might want to look around you now."

"Let me guess," I said slowly, "I'm surrounded, there's no escape and now you're going to monologue."

"Close," Black Dragon sympathized, "But not quite."

In the instant before I lost consciousness, I heard the crack of a firing pistol from somewhere behind me…


	2. Fanfiction from Hell

A/N: This is not based on anything we've ever seen on this website. I would like to thank Star Trek, Dallas, and conspiracy theorists for the plot. And the Beatles aren't characters in this fanfic, just to clear that up.

* * *

"Now I'm going to monologue."

I groaned as I awoke, and stared straight into the jack o' lantern smile of Black Dragon. "See, Storm Shadow, we had some brilliant leaps ahead here at Cobra-" he began.

"I don't want to hear your monologue," I snarled. "I have a headache, and your voice is so annoying that simple toleration requires more energy than I currently have."

"Make him shut up. I'm trying to have my hackneyed bad guy monologue here," Black Dragon said. Moments later, I was restrained by various hands, one of which shoved a gag into my mouth.

"That's better," Black Dragon said, preening. "Anyway, I would like to tell you about the Brainwave Scanner. It's a large machine – I know you've seen it before. You've even been on it before! But we've taken it to a whole new level of precision.

"We're going to put you in the worst nightmare you can imagine," Black Dragon said. "Imagine yourself degraded, used, violated beyond what you can even imagine-" Black Dragon broke off, smiling like the Devil. "Well, I guess you're just going to have to figure out what that is, won't you?"

"Mmph," I replied.

"I thought you'd say that," he said, and snapped his fingers. "Take him to the Scanner!"

* * *

"No! Put – me – ouch! No hitting! Hey, watch it, snake!"

I struggled in vain against the henchmen as they strapped me into the Brainwave Scanner. Black Dragon stood back cockily as Mindbender made last-minute adjustments to the electrodes. I tried hard not to look that freaked out.

"Well, Storm Shadow, have a nice trip," Black Dragon said.

"No. Hey, don't you dare-" I began.

"Shut up," Black Dragon snapped. "Mindbender, it's game time."

Mindbender smiled, his mustache curling. "I'm ready," he said, and flicked a switch.

I may have groaned as the scanner ripped into my mind, but I don't exactly recall. Perhaps it's better that I didn't.

* * *

I came to in the middle of a meeting. I stood off to one side, and Duke was introducing a new member of the team, a young woman who probably could have made a career of being a Playboy playmate and dressed like it.

"Guys, this is Red Lantern, real name Mary Sue Armybabe. She's a martial artist, and she's a major general, and she was an actress," Duke said. "Oh yeah, and she's a multimillionaire, and she dated all of the Beatles."

"But she's only seventeen!" someone in the crowd protested.

"And why did she join the Army if she's a multimillionaire?" someone else asked.

"Never mind that. The point is, she's here now, and we're going to blindly accept her because lots of famous people have nothing better to do than join the Army," Duke explained.

I watched in distaste as the entire male population of the base leered at the girl, who really didn't belong in the army. Duke looked almost protective of her…

"I smell a plot twist."

The familiar voice behind me startled me, and I turned around to see an apparition much like myself hovering in the background. "Snake Eyes?" I asked.

"No, I'm not Snake Eyes," the apparition sighed. "I'm his common sense. I got kicked out the day he got his face burned off."

"And you're the one that took his voice?" I asked.

The apparition nodded. "I was feeling spiteful. You can just call me Steve, which, of course, isn't my real name. I would never tell you that."

"I know," I replied.

"I've been watching this pathetic little base for years. It was fun at first, but it started to get boring without someone to talk to," Steve said. "I like talking."

"Really."

"Oh yeah. I don't know how Snake Eyes does it," Steve said. "Look. When women have no imperfections, it's a definite indicator that they're not good news. And wearing a corset just for grins isn't a good sign either."

"You've got this figured out, don't you?" I asked.

"I've been here for years," Steve said, laughing bitterly. "And I have far too much time on my hands."

"Why do you stay?" I asked.

"I can't leave," Steve said. "I'm bound to the base. I can't travel beyond it unless I'm in a body, and though it's debatable whether many people here _have_ common sense, it's not as though their common sense has left them completely, like Snake Eyes."

"What's he like without common sense?" I asked.

"You don't want to know," Steve said. "Hey, when they scatter like this, you learn really juicy stuff. Come on."

I…floated? Walked? Well, let's say I moved out of the room, following Steve, who was following Duke.

* * *

"Scarlett, I love how us being 'friends' doesn't annoy Snake Eyes," Duke said.

"Oh, come on Duke. Snake Eyes isn't jealous," Scarlett said.

"Yes he is," Duke replied. "He had a drama queen moment when you were talking to that balding male waiter, trying to order a meal during which you were going out with _him_…he only tolerates me because I'm his CO."

Steve perched on a table in Duke's room, watching the exchange with bitter amusement. "I love how they think their relationship is platonic," he said.

"It isn't?" I asked. "I don't see all that much that indicates-"

"Look at Scarlett. She's got her eyes half closed, and she keeps looking at Duke and then looking away. Even though he's oblivious, it's obvious that she's interested in him," Steve said.

"And how do you know that?"

Steve smiled wistfully. "Because I've seen that look before," he replied.

"I thought you didn't much care for Scarlett," I said.

"Of course I do," Steve replied. "She's everything Snake Eyes ever dreamed of."

I sighed. "Why can't he have dreamed about someone else?"

"You had better ask his heart about that. I don't have a clue," Steve replied. "Love and common sense don't work together often." He was silent, and I got the idea that he wasn't interested in talking about it.

"Scarlett, there's something I need to tell you about Mary Sue," Duke said.

"What?" Scarlett asked.

"She's my sister. My half-sister, really," Duke said.

"But her last name-" Scarlett began.

"My father was quite prodigious," Duke said. "His best friend was his divorce lawyer."

Scarlett winced in sympathy. "Oh, I'm so sorry about that. It really is a shame."

"It makes for some really awkward family reunions," Duke admitted.

Steve smiled. "See? There it was. Did you see that?"

"See what?" I asked.

"The plot twist," Steve said.

"The part about his sister?" I asked.

"Precisely."

"That's not a very good plot twist!" I said. "And her name – Mary Sue Armybabe? What kind of name is that? And she isn't even very interesting. What kind of place is this?" I demanded.

"That's right, Storm Shadow. You're caught in the fanfiction from Hell," Steve said with a bitter smile. "And somehow, I get the bad feeling you're stuck here for a while."


	3. Wait for Me!

"Wait…explain this fanfiction," I said.

"Well, it's like-" Steve was interrupted by a ring tone. He pulled out a pager. "Look, I'm needed over in the action-adventure section, and then I have a cross-over to get to later today. I guess you're on your own."

"You're…leaving?"

"Yeah. It can't be helped." Steve shrugged apologetically. "Don't worry. Remember, like my Spanish teacher always said…an immersion experience is the best way possible to learn!"

That wasn't comforting. It was very, _very_ un-comforting.

* * *

After wandering the base for fifteen minutes, I was getting discouraged. I had already run into a sappy Lady Jaye/Flint romance and barely escaped the wrath of a slasher. And it wasn't even lunch time yet.

"Steve, why did you have to leave me?" I asked, suddenly forlorn…

But not as forlorn as Scarlett. As she walked down the hall, I could see the shine of tears on her face. _Scarlett crying_? I thought. _Well, I may as well take a look-see while I can_. I followed her down the hall.

When she got to the door of her room, I followed. She proceeded to weep for the next fifteen minutes about what a jerk Snake Eyes was – I had a great time. I mean, she normally doesn't look quite that distressed when I'm around, and it was kind of nice to be able to tell her all the things I think she looks like when she's crying – for example, the living dead.

But I digress.

Then, the man himself walked in. "Shannie, you know I hate it when you cry," he said.

Wait…he _said_? Did Snake Eyes just _talk_?

"Oh, Percy, _you_ know _I_ hate it when you flirt with other women," Scarlett wailed.

"Oh babe, you know I never mean to hurt you," Snake Eyes said.

"Sugar Pie, I love you. Let's never fight again," she said, running her hands through his hair.

I was about to chime in that most couples can't control when they fight when the passionate tonsil hockey began. I was out of there.

I strolled down the hall, and opened the door to what can only be described as a foreign language class with a decisively romantic twist.

Ah, mi amor, ¿por qué coquetea con otras mujeres? Lady Jaye said.

No quería enojarte Flint replied.

¡Has roto mi corazon! Lady Jaye cried, and stomped out of the room.

¡Chaye! ¡Espera! ¡Vuelve! Flint called, running down the hall after her.

Great. Just what I needed – a reminder that I should have paid better attention in high school.

I exited that story quickly, and opened another door, hoping to find Steve. I did find Snake Eyes, but he was staring at me hungrily, ferally, almost as though…

"Tomisaburo, my love, I've been waiting for you," he breathed, voice husky with passion.

"Uh…I just saw you making out with Scarlett," I informed him bluntly.

"That was just to make you jealous – after you left me, I thought I would die," he said, getting up and reaching for my mask.

"Do I have something on this?" I asked, touching my mask. "I mean, I have been known to be a messy eater-"

"The fact that it's on your angelic face is a travesty enough," he replied, making another grab at my face.

"Um, Snakes? Are you crazy?" I asked.

"Only for you, baby," he said. I began backing toward the door.

"It's been nice talking, but, uh, I have, um, to find Steve," I said, pulling open the door and bolting.

* * *

**Yaoi Snake Eyes**

Once again, my love had deserted me.

After sitting about staring at the rain for about an hour, I decided to write him a letter. That always cleared things up, especially when I spritzed some Axe on it…

_Dear Tomi_,

_I know that you're still confused about our relationship, but all I want is for you to come back…or maybe, I can come to you_.

And with that, a door appeared.

_Well, opportunity knocks_, I decided, and opened the door.

* * *

**Storm Shadow**

"So, how was your day?" Steve asked.

"Horrible. Awful. I think I'm permanently scarred," I said.

"Why?"

"Well, first I got chased by a slasher. Then, I got trapped in a Lady Jaye/Flint fic, complete with roses and chocolates. Next, I got caught up with Scarlett and Snake Eyes and their stupid drama, and finally I ran into a story where I _think_ Snake Eyes was in love with me," I said.

"Oh, yaoi? Yeah, that's not that common, but it does happen occasionally," Steve said. "I'm usually not around for those kind of affairs…no pun intended. My friend Angst usually covers those. He calls himself Dmitri."

"So, you're common sense, and angst is Dmitri…so who else is there?"

"Well, there's officer and gentleman…that's Captain. And there's ninja Snake Eyes, who calls himself Bruce…you know, like Bruce Lee? There's romantic Snake Eyes, Romeo, and emo Snake Eyes, Child of Black Heaven's Tears of Blood – we just call him Tears for short – and then there's master Snake Eyes. He calls himself Sensei, and he always talks in the third person."

I frowned. "Aren't you missing one part?"

"Well, there's his brain…we named him Alfred – who shows up nary a single day we need him," Steve said. "Usually I'm as good as it gets."

"Does he suffer from having so many personalities?" I asked.

"Oh, I doubt it. We make sure that he's never in pain," Steve said. "That's why we had to kill Sensitivity – he called himself Donnie."

"That's terrible," I said.

"He was getting annoying," Steve replied. "Besides, it made sense – he was obstructing Bruce's effectiveness, and he made Sensei seem too soft."

"Wow," I said. "That's…er, that's nice, Steve."

"I try," he said. "Look, I have an appointment in a Transformers crossover, so I need to get going. I'll tell Bruce you're here – he'll be excited." Steve left with a flourish.

So Bruce was happy to see me, huh? This worried me, because, without Donnie to temper him I wasn't all that excited about seeing Bruce.

* * *

A/N: Okay, little disclaimer - we aren't making fun of any particular story/person/pairing...we're basically making fun of genres. No offense meant...

P.S. The only reason that one, random section was in Spanish is that Spanish is the only language that Asterisk can write in...besides English, of course. Finally, the translation goes something like this:

"Oh my love, why are you flirting with other women?"

"I didn't mean to make you angry."

"You have broken my heart!"

"Jaye! Wait! Come back!"


End file.
